when it rains.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I get drenched.
That'll teach me for leaving the house completely ill prepared...
no umbrella
no waterproof mascara
no cute wellies with sweater arm inserts

I'm soaked to the bone 
and nauseated
and NO I'm not pregnant. 
Made sure of that today when I accompanied Gabe into the x-ray room. 
The thought of growing another baby scares me. 
Terrifies me so much that abstinence looks pretty good right now... palpable fear is such a better excuse than a lame headache.

I feel like teenagehood will be my moment to shine as a mother.
I don't do babies well.
I deleted and re-typed that last sentence 5 times.
The truth is hard to share sometimes.

And the truth is I make tiny and very trying babies. We're almost 7 months in and I keep asking myself, "when is this going to get fun? isn't this suppose to be fun?"
Let's label this post as one that likely won't be shared with adult Gabe. He's experienced enough pain in his lifetime already.

I knew he was small, I just didn't realize he was that small.
I didn't realize that one Friday the 13th I would look down at a stack of lab requisition forms and see the words "failure to thrive" next to his strong name.

I try to convince myself that failure to thrive doesn't mean that I'm failing as a mother.
I try to convince myself that failure to thrive is just what doctors say to make waitlists go away.
I laugh when Gabe's health care card is treated like a shopaholic's credit card.
I make jokes when it takes 4 of us to hold him down
so much blood
I lose count at vial #7

The funny thing is, there's nothing funny or fun about this.
I don't do babies well.
Especially crying babies.
Crying babies that I don't know how to fix.
I love him so much.
So much that I leave him in his crib to cry alone.
When my arms can no longer hold the weight of him.
When my heart can no longer handle the sound of him.
I love him so much.

Today when the number on the scale stayed at 14 I knew. 
You don't need a PhD to know that babies are supposed to gain more than an ounce a week. 
In that moment I saw fear in eyes other than my own.
In the medical professional entrusted to fix him.

He'll be okay.
I'll be okay.
We'll be okay.

But if all's quiet on the blog front for awhile
you'll understand.
You always do.  


del09 said...

we hear your pain and cry when you cry. your strength shows through in your words and photos. Sara i am praying for you, Trev Saige and your little Gabe. thank you for sharing your pain, heart ache and love so candidly when I am so scared to. hugs and prayers.

Casey said...

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I will be praying for you and your family.

christine, just bella said...

Aw, Sara, this brings tears to my eyes. Hang in there, mama, things will get better. You are an awesome mom and Gabe is lucky to have someone who loves him so much. Sending lots of virtual hugs.

Kathleen said...

I have goosebumps. I can't even imagine what you are going through. Motherhood is hard enough with a healthy baby, let alone a baby you need to worry about. Big hugs. We are all here for you and your family.

Your boy might be small, but I see a fighter's spirit in his eyes. You will both get through this.

hart365 said...

Tears here Sara :( My heart hurts for you. But you're right. He'll be ok. You'll be ok. I know that.

And you DO do babies well. Of course you do. Look at the toddlers they turn into. I'll be thinking of you all.

hart365 said...

Also. The baby stage is hard. So fucking hard. Hang in there. You're doing great :)

Randalin. said...

Sending lots of hugs and love your way <3

Ashley said...

ohmyword I needed this tonight! We should talk- I mean like sista-to-sista talk. Just ten minutes ago a pediatrician friend dropped off an infant scale for me to keep at the house to monitor Luke's weight. He's losing weight, still won't take to solids (after four months of trying) and has motor delays. Now we're off to the developmental specialist to see what's up and my heart just aches. PLEASE keep in touch with me, even if it's via email ( I'm going through similar stuff and will need you!
Prayers for you & your little man. xoxo

emily said...

Keeping you and your little man in my thoughts...

ana {bluebirdkisses} said...

Sarah I am sending you lots of prayers and thoughs, I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. But I'm always here if you want to talk

Jena Kay said...

So sorry you and your family are going through this. I'll be praying for you and yours. Trust in Him!!

andrea said...

oh sara, my heart hurts for you. sending so much love your way. xo.

Analilia said...

I just want to jump through the screen and hug you! Sending lots of good vibes your way.

hardydanielle said...

Praying for you sweetheart <3

MSDeyle said...

Praying for you - hope you get answers and solutions soon!

Tayllar said...

I am sure Gabe will be just fine! Keep your head up!!! You're a great momma and I know it, stay strong!

Hazy Shades of Me said...

Honesty is STRONG. YOU are strong. And yes, you'll ALL stay strong. (hugs)

Sarah said...

I know it will be little solace, but Z had failure to thrive as well. He threw up every thing. I was a mess. But now he's almost three and he's perfectly awesome in every way.
It is so scary but it is not a reflection of you or your parenting. The fact that you care one ounce says what we all know- you're an amazing amazing mother.

Melanie said...

Sara, my heart breaks reading this. I know we haven't spoken since university, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I am available. From what I read and from what I know of you, you are a wonderful mother. I hope the doctor's are able to help your little guy.

The A and B Stories said...

Oh Sara. I am thinking of you and your family...I REALLY hope everything is ok. No matter what, you will hold it all're THAT good of a Mom.

Let us know that you're ok when you can...


Cassie said...

I don't know the full story but I was in tears by the end of this. Maybe I'm biase but I don't see how 14 lbs at 7 mos is ftt? That sounds about right to me. Is it just that he's not gaining like THEY think he should? Every baby grows differently and its sad that a "diagnoses" like that causes so much collateral emotional damage. I'm so sorry.

Olly's mama said...

You are not alone & you're an amazing mama ;.)

farras shop said...
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