I really don't like this photo of me - in fact I sorta hate it - and it's not the photographer's fault, they didn't make my smile 1 part teeth 2 part gums (that's just bad mouth genetics). My giant gum bearing grin is something I try really hard to tone down. In truth I've spent the last 30 years of my life (okay maybe 26 as I can't imagine 3 year old Sara caring too much) trying to tone everything about me down: my laugh, my hips, my ideas, my lips, my emotions, my hair, my personality...
For as long as my brain can remember, I've wanted to be smaller, quieter, shorter, less passionate, more palatable.
perfectly petite. pretty. passive.
basically everything I'm not - a skinny, flawless, non-competitive, drama free, secret keeper. I desperately wanted to be
girly that girl who didn't have to worry about finding a prom date or cellulite or getting straight A's. I wanted to wear cut off shorts and a tan - and an unrestrained smile.
So why did I post a gummy headshot of myself? because people mistake my confidence as me being confident. Sure I may be outgoing and own a blog, but that doesn't mean I don't have insecurities or dark moments or host dinner parties in spanx.
I harbour A LOT of feelings (both good and bad) and have spent the last 7 weeks holed up in a travel trailer reading every 'what colour is your parachute?' self-help book known to man and you know what I've learned?
I'm a good person.
A person worthy and deserving of good things... and when I actually started believing this, good things started to happen.
I'm sure there's a lot of eye rolling going on, I know my eyeballs would certainly be doing some socket laps after reading all this (along with unfriending and blogroll deleting), but I know one of the reasons many of you tune in week after week is because I'm honest. Sometimes brutally so...
and if I'm being honest, striving to be someone I wasn't almost put me in a straightjacket. Instead of a padded room I opted for an embarrassing stress leave. Probably the most painful yet amazing thing to ever happen to me (aside from giving birth x 2 which was pretty freaking amazing... and painful).
While I'm not advocating that everyone abandon their day jobs, I am encouraging those who are experiencing any kind of unhappiness or unfulfillment to slow down on the hamster wheel.
Take a moment.
A few deserved breaths.
Remind yourself of your long forgotten
childish childhood dreams. Take inventory of all the wonderful and not-so-wonderful things that make you YOU and fall in love with them (or at least stop hiding them).
How fitting I'm posting this on a Sunday.
End of sermon.
* me & Mr. Maraboli's quotes have become well acquainted .
I promise there's only one more post like this, the conclusion of my "journey" (coming sometime in August) and then it's back to regular programming.
xo Preacher Knol