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Sunday, May 18, 2014


There seems to be a lot of posts out there talking about the future of blogging and I'm purposely avoiding them. I'm scared. I don't want can't handle anymore change. June 2nd - the anniversary to my nervous breakdown - is less than 2 weeks away and I'm feeling... fragile.

Has it really been a year already?

I remember storming out of social work like it was only yesterday, the sound metal smacking together as I slammed my way through the government door. My heart pounding, my eyes on the verge of tears...  

Remember how I camped out in our travel trailer for two whole months reading every "Happy For No Reason" self-help book endorsed by Oprah? what a mess I was. 

print by: topknotweddings  |  photo credit: MyMilaBaby 

The honest truth is that I'm still a mess and despite many of my "dreams" coming true - BlogPodium, Para Blog Crew, TOP KNOT Events, Durali Villa, #CasaKnol, weight loss, an Etsy shop, a statement shirt - I'm still not as happy as I should  thought I'd be.

What's wrong with me?

For the last 365 days it's been one lesson after another; one extreme high followed by one extreme low. It turns out that I'm really good at getting what I want and I imagine you're all thinking "boo freaking hoo", but the problem is that I ask for things impulsively, without thinking them through. I convince myself that I want/need something and then I get it and then I'm left with a bad case of what-the-eff-was-I-thinking? Wanters' Remorse.

If I wore lipstick I'd write "be careful what you wish for" on my bathroom mirror as a daily reminder to be less want-ful and more thoughtful. 

I'm 31 now #wow
A mother of two #doublewow
I have a mortgage 
and expensive taste 
and a sometimes far too supportive husband that would let me bankrupt us if he thought it'd make me happy. 

These responsibilities keep me up at night along with the age old question... 
"why was I in such a hurry to grow up?" 

Am I right in saying this adult gig is no picnic?

I've recently realized that all that 'shit straightening out' I did last summer was just the beginning... tip of the iceberg...

I still got loads of work (and laundry) to do. I gotta sort the whites from the darks and my needs from my wants. I'm still growing and I'm still navigating this path to happiness.

I get a lot of emails and texts asking how renos, business, life, _______ is going and it really depends on the day... sometimes hour. Spring is always an emotional time for me, don't ask me why. When I quit my job, I also quit my benefits which means no more free counselling. If anyone wants to psychoanalyze why I get extra weepy in the rainy season, by all means. In the meantime I'm blaming allergies.

Aside from the occasional Netflix binge I can honestly say I've never hustled harder in my whole life. Being relatively new to this whole boss lady - or as Trev likes to say bossy lady - gig, I really struggle with balance and deciding which opportunities to seize and which opportunities to let go.

In saying all that, I'm not ready to let blogging go. Even if nobody reads it, I'm not ready to say good-bye. I thought knottyontop would eventually replace SaigeWisdom but I've decided the opposite is true. Over the next month (or so) posts from my business blog - which is totes lame to begin with - will be coming over to SaigeWisdom. Once again my personal and professional life will be one, just like my Instagram account and soon to be Twitter account. I've always been an open book, so why stop now?

The business of blogging may be changing, but I'm not.

Now pass the damn tissues.
(stupid allergies)

65 comments:

Julie said...

I hear ya sister. I think of you often, you've taken on a whole lot and though you may not think you do, you manage it all with grace. Seriously. As for blogging, truth be told I started to blog for me. It's somewhere for me to talk about the things that my family would sometimes not hear me gab on forever about, all things I'm passionate about. Hopefully that makes sense and doesn't make my family sound like booger nuggets. But I just mean I'm beyond thankful for a reading audience, I'm beyond thankful for all of the connections I've made from blogging and I'm so thankful for all of my blogging buds (that's you, that's you). But in the end, my blog is kinda like my open diary, me blabbing away about things I love and I don't want to stop, so I won't, because it does make me happy. xoxoxoxoxo

Erinn T || Fancy Napkin said...

Goodness Gracias Sista. You know how to put into words, what I'm feeling as well. We'll call it the 31+ mid-life crisis syndrome. Nothing really wrong with our beautiful lives, but always searching for something more...
I'm in this huge transition between where my life is heading as a mother going from 1 to 3, moving houses, managing my 'erinn' time, and what i'm going to do for work (so I can do something from home part-time and still make moolah!). It's never ending with the unanswered questions.
So what I'm trying to say is, I get it. 100%.
xoe
#wolfpack.

E said...

Love you! Glad to know (is that bad) that you aren't really as superwoman as you look sometimes... But I am still super proud of and impressed by you! :) Hang in there lady!
E

Gabrielle Chackal said...

Don't change. You're great. Thanks for sharing.

Gabrielle Chackal said...

Don't change. You're great. Thanks for sharing.

Bluegingham said...

Nailed it. I too have been thinking that being "grown up" is a lot of freakin' work! I wanna do what I wanna do when I feel like it and know that someone is still handling the big stuff like keeping a roof over our heads and food in the fridge! This is tough work momma. Hang in there! Please keep blogging! You and others like you help me to feel normal!

Vanessa said...

Yes. Yes. Yes. I couldn't agree more. To be honest - even though I've been reading your blog for awhile, I hadn't realized you'd also had a quarter life crisis... I was finishing up my PhD in Clinical Psych when I stormed out the door, having finally had enough. To say I'm inspired by what you've accomplished on your own since then is a massive understatement. But I get it - it may not all be exactly what you really wanted. As much as those major kinds of decisions feel like the last straw... they're also kinda the first step. All the hard decisions are really just beginning. (The number of people who said "what a hard decision!" about leaving grad school! That was quite possible the EASIEST decision once I actually let myself consider it). Anyways, just my long winded way to say, I support you and all that you do - and I hope you get the time you need to think things through. Blogging was my way to think through what I really wanted to do and I can't imagine my life without it... so to all the "blogging is changing" fearmongers/naysayers - I say, LET it. Your blog will change as you do and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

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